living on a prayer

The damage wasn't too bad; my conscience has to deal with throwing away tons of paper plates, but that's the worst of it. The furniture is still rearranged; I'm using the laptop on my bed (which I try to never do!) because all the comfy chairs are in the room where my husband is taking a nap, and I don't want to clickety clack him awake.

About forty lovely people came through to eat spicy Indian food, sweat, drink, talk, play croquet and cornhole. I can not really explain why (aside from a couple bullshit theories,) but I ended up pounding several beers, although I'm used to no more than three. I was determined to have fun, I guess. I became terrifically drunk by the end of the night, but I was with forgiving company, and as far as I know, none of the poison in my soul hatched out into the daylight. So although I marvel at my stupidity, and although I had an incredible hangover the entire next day, I ain't sorry I done it.

In fact, I have decided that it was a huge relief. The demons of anger, fear, resentment, and judgement have been gnawing on my flesh for several weeks. They have been so persistent, and I so weak in their faces, that they have even begun to poison my eyes against innocent people. But for two days- the day of drinking and the day of hangover- I just ignored them. And they didn't say a peep. Obviously when I was drunk, I was full of good cheer and affection for all, but to my great gladness, even during the hangover, the hatred was gone. I just didn't have it in me to criticize or to draw up the accounts in my own favor. I was such a complete doofus, and so aware of it, that I had not a single bad thought about anyone else. During church, all I had to say was "Dear Holy Mother of God, keep me from falling over or throwing up." I sang lustily and without regard for anyone else's errors, because it was all I could do.

And I was so thankful for every single person there. I don't know why.

So keep this in mind. When you are struggling with hatred, maybe you should throw a big party and get so drunk that you have no room to criticize anybody else. We're all just trying to hang on and stand up. But I'm no theologian.