Monday, May 20, 2013

living on a prayer

The damage wasn't too bad; my conscience has to deal with throwing away tons of paper plates, but that's the worst of it. The furniture is still rearranged; I'm using the laptop on my bed (which I try to never do!) because all the comfy chairs are in the room where my husband is taking a nap, and I don't want to clickety clack him awake.

About forty lovely people came through to eat spicy Indian food, sweat, drink, talk, play croquet and cornhole. I can not really explain why (aside from a couple bullshit theories,) but I ended up pounding several beers, although I'm used to no more than three. I was determined to have fun, I guess. I became terrifically drunk by the end of the night, but I was with forgiving company, and as far as I know, none of the poison in my soul hatched out into the daylight. So although I marvel at my stupidity, and although I had an incredible hangover the entire next day, I ain't sorry I done it.

In fact, I have decided that it was a huge relief. The demons of anger, fear, resentment, and judgement have been gnawing on my flesh for several weeks. They have been so persistent, and I so weak in their faces, that they have even begun to poison my eyes against innocent people. But for two days- the day of drinking and the day of hangover- I just ignored them. And they didn't say a peep. Obviously when I was drunk, I was full of good cheer and affection for all, but to my great gladness, even during the hangover, the hatred was gone. I just didn't have it in me to criticize or to draw up the accounts in my own favor. I was such a complete doofus, and so aware of it, that I had not a single bad thought about anyone else. During church, all I had to say was "Dear Holy Mother of God, keep me from falling over or throwing up." I sang lustily and without regard for anyone else's errors, because it was all I could do.

And I was so thankful for every single person there. I don't know why.

So keep this in mind. When you are struggling with hatred, maybe you should throw a big party and get so drunk that you have no room to criticize anybody else. We're all just trying to hang on and stand up. But I'm no theologian.

No comments:

Post a Comment